I have been here before...

All I want to is to have what I had. I did not lose what I had before it was just my time to move forward.  I have not lost anything but I am far away from it.  Yesterday can best be described as the days I try to avoid.  These type of days I have when I am alone and no one has to see.  I woke up that morning knowing that the risk of having that type of day was great.  I trusted I could control it but I did not.  I did not fall apart, I just crumbled.  My bottled emotions hit me like a ocean wave hits a sand castle and I crumbled.  I am no stranger to this however, I wanted to believe I could reacted to this in a better way.

"What can I do to help you?" The question of the day that deserved nothing more than the worst answer of the day, "I do not even know how to help myself." I knew I was not ready to process what I was feeling and still I did not cancel.  I should have known better and that was my mistake.  As the days go by I begin to allow myself to believe that I might not have guidance here.  I continue to tell myself that I will not find another Sonny or Jackie still I look for that kind of mentor since it is all I know.  I do admit that finding a mentor has always been easy for me in fact my past mentors came to me and told me that they'll guide me.  I guess it is time to go out and look for a mentor.  Maybe I have been the mentee for too long? Is it my time for me to be the mentor?

Gosh, I suck at being an adult that is for sure!