Freedom

I heard someone say that being free has many dimensions and meanings. The freedom I am going to write about today is a freedom that comes after you get the right to be free.  Who says I can't be free to be all the things that I use to be. "I need to be the same person that I am trying to be." The wise words coming from a misunderstood artist hence these words carry a message which I understand and can relate with these words.

To feel free you must know what inner peace looks like for you. My inner peace is reached every time and any time that I see the good in people. It is the wonderful and positive memories of all those that have been part of my life and that have changed me that bring me inner peace.

Life is good and challenging. Sometimes knowing that it is alright and that coming together changes the world is all I need to feel free. I find peace in the wise words of my mother, John Lennon, Jack Johnson, and my best friend. All this time I have been missing the good times and I stopped create new good times. This ends today because today I have found a way to relive those good times a little bit everyday.

cough syrup...

being sick is no joke. i am beginning to see the changes and there are drastic and slow. this is combination i never thought i would experience. so far i am just staying in my corner. lately, all my thoughts have been invaded with the thoughts of going home. i keep thinking of how my nephew is growing up without me and i am in a journey that is quickly transforming into an unknown adventure. this had never bothered me until now and even then i always manage to remind myself and even at times convince myself that this adventure will reveal itself soon. there has been one time in which this was not good enough. 

going back is worse than staying here; these are words from an entry back in 2009. however, this is no longer the case. to go back means to go back as a woman. going back means that the debut of my new and independent self. going back means that i will have something else but work to talk about, there will be much more and in time it will all look lesser and lesser as well. so what am i really missing? what is it that is calling me back to where it all started? and what is keeping me here? 

it is all like cough syrup since the way it should be will never be reveal; if anything i should just wait for the cough syrup to come down.

Year 2

As year two begins, I reflect on how different things are and how unprepared I was for this year. I imagine a second year with lights that would warm my face in the morning and instead I get a few dark clouds that are determined to teach me that they deserve to be part of the blue skies. As I embark on year two, I think of how I want to remember this year. How do I continue to instill pride in my community? What lessons do I want to learn this year? And how am I going to remember the lessons learned in the past year? Although, a control freak like myself should know that there is only so much I can control I dare to imagine that the answers to the questions above will be consistent and uncompromising. 

This is a lie. 

All I want to feel at the end of this year is change. I want to enter this year with a clear mind and understanding. I want to be able to control what I can and participate in the learning that this year will bring. I selfishly want to prove to myself that the reason why I picked this path was not deceiving. I do not want to be off shore and feel in an island. There is nothing I can do to make others understand all I can do is learn to be patient. So as year two starts I embark this and I am okay with not having a partner in crime.

It is not good bye, it is a see you later...

Today marks the last day of one Terry D. Smith at Oregon State University. It is with a bittersweet note that I say till next time to a great colleague, friend, and partner in crime. This blog is for you, Terry.

My dearest Terry,

Words cannot explain how you have shaped my first year at Oregon State. It seems just like yesterday that I hugged you at my campus interview and declared to you that you and I were going to be best friends. Although, I am sure this presented me as a crazy person. I knew the moment we met that you were going to be lifelong friend. 

A million thank yous cannot express how grateful I am to have you as a friend and colleague. In moments of doubts, sadness, anger, happiness, and stress you were there to challenge me, hug me, and at times to slap me back into reality. Thank you for all that you did for me this year and for reminding me that I need to be bold and fearless. 

In the middle of green chicken enchilada dinners and happy hour times I found a friend. I have enjoyed you and I have learned so much from you. 

"Home is where the heart is. It is not a place..." Although, I still refuse to believe in this know that I will keep telling myself this when times get rough. I have laughed with you, I have fought with you, and I have cried with you. Your strength and passion was motivation to me when my own passion and motivation was missing. You are a brilliant and strong individual. I am honored to be your VP, colleague, and friend. 

Know that this is not a good bye but I see you later. Thank you for a great year and for all the great memories. Now go to UIC and change lives!

Te quiero mucho.

Claudia ♥

The Year of the Honey Badgers

It all started nine months ago, I honestly did not know what to expect all I knew was that I did not want to be bad at this. I was in a building that I did not know or love. I was going to meet eight individuals that were strangers. I knew that they were going to have expectations of me and goals for themselves. It is hard to enter any new situation having a deep fear of failure. Fear was the only feeling that I could define at that time. 

All I wanted to be was a good RD. I wanted to make sure that no one saw my self-doubt. In those nine months, I learned so much about the job. I have come to love this building and I found myself working with phenomenal people that wanted to do their best. In my staff, I found different perspectives. I was challenged by them every day and every day I would find myself welcoming or forcing myself to learn a lesson. Bottom line is that I found myself having the best year as a first-time RD and I could not ask for more. There are no what-ifs in my mind. 

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon in my office marinating and reflecting on the wonderful people that lived and worked with me for the past nine months and all I feel is happiness and gratitude. Once again, I am reminded of why I do what I do. I enjoy being around college students. I realize that lessons are learned by the teacher and the students. I realize that to be able to make an impact and this place a better place I need to slowly understand others. 

My first official academic year as a professional was real and that makes me happy. I made some great friends and I had an excellent staff. 

Overall, it was a great year to be a honey badger and I cannot wait to do this again. 

When I grow up...

Lately I have been thinking about how I saw my life when I was younger. I remember when I was 17 years old and I told myself that when I am older I would be independent and free. I would see myself in an apartment that would be very homey and full of color. I remember imagining my apartment to be full of life. This image in my mind vibrant and a bit blurry. Nonetheless it was certain and that is all that mattered.

A couple of weeks ago this thought invading me and I could not wonder but to ask myself, "where is this home I craved to create?" This question led to having to ask myself, "Am I free or independent?" I began to analyze my life now and my aspirations when I was younger. The statement of when I grow up I am going to be BLANK was all that I could think of. When I was 17 all I wanted to do was change the world to a better place and wanted to do this by doing everything. I wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a nurse, a senator, and many things more. The more I thought about these dreams I began to lose myself in dreams that I never pursued. I sit in my living room in my apartment and look around and I see clearly that when I grow up was no longer a thing of the past. I was independent and free. Although, I did not become a doctor or senator I still dictating my own path. I was where I wanted to be. I always had a choice and those choices brought me to a place that my 17 year old self always wanted.

So for a second, I realized that when I grow up was already here.

25 things about me...

Liz was my guardian at Central Missouri. She entered my life at a moment when I was heading to a very dark and lonely place. She helped me save myself.

One day during session she gave me a challenge. The "25-day challenge." This challenge consisted of having an individual share one experience or thing about themselves per day. The challenge lasted 25 days so there were 25 experiences/things. These things or experiences did not have to be personal, interesting, or even entertaining. The main objective was to learn to share myself with others. I was not thrilled about this challenge but I trusted Liz, she had never misled me before.

I decided that I would send a postcard every day for 25 days to two friends with one or two lines sharing a piece of me.

25 days and 25 experiences/things shared, here they are:

Day 1

25. If my life were a musical it would play Queen. I would start and end my days with "Under Pressure."

Day 2

24. I secretly always wanted to be part of the SNL cast.

Day 3

23. I refuse to believe the passing of my mentor, at times I desperately wished he would call me or write to me to guide me.

Day 4

22. Somewhere in between the social butterfly and grumpy witch, there is a girl, a very misunderstood individual that loves to love.

Day 5

21. I secretly want the husband and kids but at the same time I want to make an impact in the world. I am starting to believe I have to pick one.

Day 6

20. When I was 17, I saw my father slap my mother and in the moment I told myself: 1. that I no longer had a father and 2. that my mother was the bravest person I knew.

Day 7

19. I hate when people text the word "okay" or "ok" or "K". If that is all you have to say then do not text me!

Day 8

18. I swore that I would never work with college students. Oops!

Day 9

17. I never wanted to go to college. I was happy with giving in to the culture of poverty. My plans for after high school were to be a waitress.

Day 10

16. I did not learn to drive until I was 23.

Day 11

15. "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls was the first English song I learned; it was my favorite then and it still is now.

Day 12

14.  I love to color code my planner, mainly because it looks pretty.

Day 13

13. I do not fear dying. I fear realizing at my deathbed that I did not live life to the fullest.

Day 14

12. My logic and heart constantly battle when it comes to decision making. Logic has cost me many opportunities that I will never have again. Lately, my heart has been winning more battle and even though some of those victories have led to heartbreak, I have no regrets.

Day 15

11. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to see myself through eyes of others.

Day 16

10. I believe that there is no such thing as too much love. To love is to live! The best way for me to show love to those around me is by telling them that I appreciate them and that I love them.

Day 17

9. I wish I was an introvert; a little quiet, a little selfish, and a little normal.

Day 18

8. I am a revolutionary soul.

Day 19

7. I need to learn that everyone has different expectations than mine. I need to give everyone a chance.

Day 20

6. I do not hate my father. I just don't want him in my life.

Day 21

5. I refuse to adopt a sexual orientation label. When people ask me if I am straight, all I say is that I love to love.

Day 22

4. I know that there is certain things that I need to learn but I refuse to learn these lessons since I fear how they will change me.

Day 23

3. The day I let others read my journal will be the day that I am free.

Day 24

2. When I was younger, I thought I was adopted. No lie!

Day 25

1. I force myself to forget that whatever family I once had is now nonexistent.