05092011

Life as I know it now has changed. He admires me and I am his favorite person. The memories of this day will stay with me forever and although he will never say he loves me and I love him. I am seeing clearly view of him. The questions or talks about him and I are useless. People do not get it and that is fine. I am at peace with that now. He gets me and I get him.

He is not the most liked person but in a time of self-doubt all he said was, "When I hold you I don't just see what you see, I see a strong beautiful woman. And I feel blessed to have you and hold you." In that exact moment, I knew he loved me. Sadly, the outside talk about the what ifs, differences between us, and his understanding of what constitutes me might be too much for us to handle. 

I cannot understand how life can show you the best of someone and then show you the worst. The circular continuum of him might be more than I could handle. I do not know if we are going to make it. All that matters is that he loves me and I adore him and that is all I should remember. 

This was a journal entry from 2011. I know that there is much missing to this story but all you need to know is that I loved him and he loved me. We just loved each other so much that when our flaws appeared; the love and the flaws melted together and we did not know how to separate them for us to survive. 

Housewife.

I always claimed that I didn't want to be a housewife. In my mind this was the ultimate role that gave power to the male superiority over women.  I remember my junior year in college and I remember being frustrated and angry at the injustices that I had to endure because I was a woman. I hated being viewed as bitch just because I was outspoken and strong. I disliked with a passion being in student government and being known as the bitch. I was misunderstood and for some reason I refused to be viewed as emotional.

I created a barrier that later became my defense mechanism towards all that would show emotions or weaknesses as I referred to any emotion that showed vulnerability. I saw males as the enemy and I saw any female that would gladly give in or accept the type roles that were manifested upon us, women, as the norm the reason why we could not reach equality and equity. I was an angry feminist that would fight for cause at any cost. Boy was I wrong.

Recently, I was making diner as I was in my kitchen in a very cute brown and sky blue apron I had an epiphany. I would be a great housewife and I would very happy being that too.  Somewhere in between the inevitable stages of becoming an adult and gaining a different point of view I discovered that being a feminist is about doing what makes you happy. Being free to decide your journey and not having to fight for that choice or for that choice to be respected.  Today, I am an RD but tomorrow or 3 years from now I can be housewife and that is my choice and that choice will be respected. This is what a feminist looks like.

Freedom

I heard someone say that being free has many dimensions and meanings. The freedom I am going to write about today is a freedom that comes after you get the right to be free.  Who says I can't be free to be all the things that I use to be. "I need to be the same person that I am trying to be." The wise words coming from a misunderstood artist hence these words carry a message which I understand and can relate with these words.

To feel free you must know what inner peace looks like for you. My inner peace is reached every time and any time that I see the good in people. It is the wonderful and positive memories of all those that have been part of my life and that have changed me that bring me inner peace.

Life is good and challenging. Sometimes knowing that it is alright and that coming together changes the world is all I need to feel free. I find peace in the wise words of my mother, John Lennon, Jack Johnson, and my best friend. All this time I have been missing the good times and I stopped create new good times. This ends today because today I have found a way to relive those good times a little bit everyday.

cough syrup...

being sick is no joke. i am beginning to see the changes and there are drastic and slow. this is combination i never thought i would experience. so far i am just staying in my corner. lately, all my thoughts have been invaded with the thoughts of going home. i keep thinking of how my nephew is growing up without me and i am in a journey that is quickly transforming into an unknown adventure. this had never bothered me until now and even then i always manage to remind myself and even at times convince myself that this adventure will reveal itself soon. there has been one time in which this was not good enough. 

going back is worse than staying here; these are words from an entry back in 2009. however, this is no longer the case. to go back means to go back as a woman. going back means that the debut of my new and independent self. going back means that i will have something else but work to talk about, there will be much more and in time it will all look lesser and lesser as well. so what am i really missing? what is it that is calling me back to where it all started? and what is keeping me here? 

it is all like cough syrup since the way it should be will never be reveal; if anything i should just wait for the cough syrup to come down.

Year 2

As year two begins, I reflect on how different things are and how unprepared I was for this year. I imagine a second year with lights that would warm my face in the morning and instead I get a few dark clouds that are determined to teach me that they deserve to be part of the blue skies. As I embark on year two, I think of how I want to remember this year. How do I continue to instill pride in my community? What lessons do I want to learn this year? And how am I going to remember the lessons learned in the past year? Although, a control freak like myself should know that there is only so much I can control I dare to imagine that the answers to the questions above will be consistent and uncompromising. 

This is a lie. 

All I want to feel at the end of this year is change. I want to enter this year with a clear mind and understanding. I want to be able to control what I can and participate in the learning that this year will bring. I selfishly want to prove to myself that the reason why I picked this path was not deceiving. I do not want to be off shore and feel in an island. There is nothing I can do to make others understand all I can do is learn to be patient. So as year two starts I embark this and I am okay with not having a partner in crime.

It is not good bye, it is a see you later...

Today marks the last day of one Terry D. Smith at Oregon State University. It is with a bittersweet note that I say till next time to a great colleague, friend, and partner in crime. This blog is for you, Terry.

My dearest Terry,

Words cannot explain how you have shaped my first year at Oregon State. It seems just like yesterday that I hugged you at my campus interview and declared to you that you and I were going to be best friends. Although, I am sure this presented me as a crazy person. I knew the moment we met that you were going to be lifelong friend. 

A million thank yous cannot express how grateful I am to have you as a friend and colleague. In moments of doubts, sadness, anger, happiness, and stress you were there to challenge me, hug me, and at times to slap me back into reality. Thank you for all that you did for me this year and for reminding me that I need to be bold and fearless. 

In the middle of green chicken enchilada dinners and happy hour times I found a friend. I have enjoyed you and I have learned so much from you. 

"Home is where the heart is. It is not a place..." Although, I still refuse to believe in this know that I will keep telling myself this when times get rough. I have laughed with you, I have fought with you, and I have cried with you. Your strength and passion was motivation to me when my own passion and motivation was missing. You are a brilliant and strong individual. I am honored to be your VP, colleague, and friend. 

Know that this is not a good bye but I see you later. Thank you for a great year and for all the great memories. Now go to UIC and change lives!

Te quiero mucho.

Claudia ♥

The Year of the Honey Badgers

It all started nine months ago, I honestly did not know what to expect all I knew was that I did not want to be bad at this. I was in a building that I did not know or love. I was going to meet eight individuals that were strangers. I knew that they were going to have expectations of me and goals for themselves. It is hard to enter any new situation having a deep fear of failure. Fear was the only feeling that I could define at that time. 

All I wanted to be was a good RD. I wanted to make sure that no one saw my self-doubt. In those nine months, I learned so much about the job. I have come to love this building and I found myself working with phenomenal people that wanted to do their best. In my staff, I found different perspectives. I was challenged by them every day and every day I would find myself welcoming or forcing myself to learn a lesson. Bottom line is that I found myself having the best year as a first-time RD and I could not ask for more. There are no what-ifs in my mind. 

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon in my office marinating and reflecting on the wonderful people that lived and worked with me for the past nine months and all I feel is happiness and gratitude. Once again, I am reminded of why I do what I do. I enjoy being around college students. I realize that lessons are learned by the teacher and the students. I realize that to be able to make an impact and this place a better place I need to slowly understand others. 

My first official academic year as a professional was real and that makes me happy. I made some great friends and I had an excellent staff. 

Overall, it was a great year to be a honey badger and I cannot wait to do this again.