It is not good bye, it is a see you later...

Today marks the last day of one Terry D. Smith at Oregon State University. It is with a bittersweet note that I say till next time to a great colleague, friend, and partner in crime. This blog is for you, Terry.

My dearest Terry,

Words cannot explain how you have shaped my first year at Oregon State. It seems just like yesterday that I hugged you at my campus interview and declared to you that you and I were going to be best friends. Although, I am sure this presented me as a crazy person. I knew the moment we met that you were going to be lifelong friend. 

A million thank yous cannot express how grateful I am to have you as a friend and colleague. In moments of doubts, sadness, anger, happiness, and stress you were there to challenge me, hug me, and at times to slap me back into reality. Thank you for all that you did for me this year and for reminding me that I need to be bold and fearless. 

In the middle of green chicken enchilada dinners and happy hour times I found a friend. I have enjoyed you and I have learned so much from you. 

"Home is where the heart is. It is not a place..." Although, I still refuse to believe in this know that I will keep telling myself this when times get rough. I have laughed with you, I have fought with you, and I have cried with you. Your strength and passion was motivation to me when my own passion and motivation was missing. You are a brilliant and strong individual. I am honored to be your VP, colleague, and friend. 

Know that this is not a good bye but I see you later. Thank you for a great year and for all the great memories. Now go to UIC and change lives!

Te quiero mucho.

Claudia ♥

The Year of the Honey Badgers

It all started nine months ago, I honestly did not know what to expect all I knew was that I did not want to be bad at this. I was in a building that I did not know or love. I was going to meet eight individuals that were strangers. I knew that they were going to have expectations of me and goals for themselves. It is hard to enter any new situation having a deep fear of failure. Fear was the only feeling that I could define at that time. 

All I wanted to be was a good RD. I wanted to make sure that no one saw my self-doubt. In those nine months, I learned so much about the job. I have come to love this building and I found myself working with phenomenal people that wanted to do their best. In my staff, I found different perspectives. I was challenged by them every day and every day I would find myself welcoming or forcing myself to learn a lesson. Bottom line is that I found myself having the best year as a first-time RD and I could not ask for more. There are no what-ifs in my mind. 

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon in my office marinating and reflecting on the wonderful people that lived and worked with me for the past nine months and all I feel is happiness and gratitude. Once again, I am reminded of why I do what I do. I enjoy being around college students. I realize that lessons are learned by the teacher and the students. I realize that to be able to make an impact and this place a better place I need to slowly understand others. 

My first official academic year as a professional was real and that makes me happy. I made some great friends and I had an excellent staff. 

Overall, it was a great year to be a honey badger and I cannot wait to do this again. 

When I grow up...

Lately I have been thinking about how I saw my life when I was younger. I remember when I was 17 years old and I told myself that when I am older I would be independent and free. I would see myself in an apartment that would be very homey and full of color. I remember imagining my apartment to be full of life. This image in my mind vibrant and a bit blurry. Nonetheless it was certain and that is all that mattered.

A couple of weeks ago this thought invading me and I could not wonder but to ask myself, "where is this home I craved to create?" This question led to having to ask myself, "Am I free or independent?" I began to analyze my life now and my aspirations when I was younger. The statement of when I grow up I am going to be BLANK was all that I could think of. When I was 17 all I wanted to do was change the world to a better place and wanted to do this by doing everything. I wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a nurse, a senator, and many things more. The more I thought about these dreams I began to lose myself in dreams that I never pursued. I sit in my living room in my apartment and look around and I see clearly that when I grow up was no longer a thing of the past. I was independent and free. Although, I did not become a doctor or senator I still dictating my own path. I was where I wanted to be. I always had a choice and those choices brought me to a place that my 17 year old self always wanted.

So for a second, I realized that when I grow up was already here.

25 things about me...

Liz was my guardian at Central Missouri. She entered my life at a moment when I was heading to a very dark and lonely place. She helped me save myself.

One day during session she gave me a challenge. The "25-day challenge." This challenge consisted of having an individual share one experience or thing about themselves per day. The challenge lasted 25 days so there were 25 experiences/things. These things or experiences did not have to be personal, interesting, or even entertaining. The main objective was to learn to share myself with others. I was not thrilled about this challenge but I trusted Liz, she had never misled me before.

I decided that I would send a postcard every day for 25 days to two friends with one or two lines sharing a piece of me.

25 days and 25 experiences/things shared, here they are:

Day 1

25. If my life were a musical it would play Queen. I would start and end my days with "Under Pressure."

Day 2

24. I secretly always wanted to be part of the SNL cast.

Day 3

23. I refuse to believe the passing of my mentor, at times I desperately wished he would call me or write to me to guide me.

Day 4

22. Somewhere in between the social butterfly and grumpy witch, there is a girl, a very misunderstood individual that loves to love.

Day 5

21. I secretly want the husband and kids but at the same time I want to make an impact in the world. I am starting to believe I have to pick one.

Day 6

20. When I was 17, I saw my father slap my mother and in the moment I told myself: 1. that I no longer had a father and 2. that my mother was the bravest person I knew.

Day 7

19. I hate when people text the word "okay" or "ok" or "K". If that is all you have to say then do not text me!

Day 8

18. I swore that I would never work with college students. Oops!

Day 9

17. I never wanted to go to college. I was happy with giving in to the culture of poverty. My plans for after high school were to be a waitress.

Day 10

16. I did not learn to drive until I was 23.

Day 11

15. "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls was the first English song I learned; it was my favorite then and it still is now.

Day 12

14.  I love to color code my planner, mainly because it looks pretty.

Day 13

13. I do not fear dying. I fear realizing at my deathbed that I did not live life to the fullest.

Day 14

12. My logic and heart constantly battle when it comes to decision making. Logic has cost me many opportunities that I will never have again. Lately, my heart has been winning more battle and even though some of those victories have led to heartbreak, I have no regrets.

Day 15

11. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to see myself through eyes of others.

Day 16

10. I believe that there is no such thing as too much love. To love is to live! The best way for me to show love to those around me is by telling them that I appreciate them and that I love them.

Day 17

9. I wish I was an introvert; a little quiet, a little selfish, and a little normal.

Day 18

8. I am a revolutionary soul.

Day 19

7. I need to learn that everyone has different expectations than mine. I need to give everyone a chance.

Day 20

6. I do not hate my father. I just don't want him in my life.

Day 21

5. I refuse to adopt a sexual orientation label. When people ask me if I am straight, all I say is that I love to love.

Day 22

4. I know that there is certain things that I need to learn but I refuse to learn these lessons since I fear how they will change me.

Day 23

3. The day I let others read my journal will be the day that I am free.

Day 24

2. When I was younger, I thought I was adopted. No lie!

Day 25

1. I force myself to forget that whatever family I once had is now nonexistent.

The sunset by the bridge...

When I was 5 years old I broke the law. And although the details of the following story are still a bit fuzzy, one thing will always remain as my truth. On that day known to me as the day when I saw the most beautiful sunset, I learned to appreciate my mother and all her sacrifices.  


My mother is a saint. A beautiful caring individual that has always wanted the best for me.  I have asked my mother plenty of times how she manages to be such a great mother, sister, daughter, woman, grandmother, and friend and I never get an answer if anything all I get are smiles that say nothing but express limitless love and gratitude. I am convinced that she has gained a first class ticket into the heavens.  To be able to unconditionally love four of the most context individuals ever known to humankind has to earn a place in the heavens that only angels and saints get to experience. 


On the day where I saw my first sunset by the bridge, I learned why my mother believed in the American Dream. I learned that we were from a country that was not the United States. I learned that sometimes doing the right thing is not doing the right thing. I will admit that these are very complex lessons for a 5 year old but that day I saw clarity as the sun was setting to the west of the bridge that divided two nations. One nation that defines a dream and one nation that defines my roots. 


I have lately thought about that day and the sunset by the bridge.  I think about how I felt that day. The feelings of sadness, gratitude, and frustration took over me that day and at the same time I think of the warm sun and the beautiful colors that can fill the soul with happiness. That day the only thing that brought me happiness was the fact that I had a mother that will not let the American Dream escape her. 


I have yet to experience another sunset like that one and the reason why I hold on dearly to this memory is because in a weird way that memory aids me to see purpose in my days.  The sunset by the bridge brings me back to my reality, aspirations, and goals. The sunset by the bridge reminds me of the beautiful cruelties of this world. It loudly tells me that it is better to be busy changing the world then using my smiles to pretend that I am happy. 


The sunset by the bridge reminds me that my adventure is turning into an unknown journey.

My place in the table at a local coffee shop.

A few months back, I posted a facebook status that said, "One day not far from now, I will be in a local coffee shop with a bunch of my peers/friends talking about Chicano history. I will share the story of my family and feel empowered by the fact that everyone in the table has a piece of history to contribute to the world and all we have to do is listen and not forget." This is my dream.


I imagine myself being an educator with the heart of a revolutionary. I refuse to forget where I have been and where I come from. My place in the table at a local coffee shop will be a place that respect and appreciation has earned. My place in the table at the local coffee shop will be filled with passion, warmth, and beautiful things that only the colors of love and life can produce. I imagine this coffee shop being filled with the memories that people have had there and by the tiny pieces of souls left behind which can only be the result of the hundreds of stories that have been told in this establishment.


I do not know where this local coffee shop is and I do not know who will be around the table. All I do know is that when I get there, life will change as I know it.

The world has lost her way again...

This month is filled with many thoughts. Thoughts about work and the way I dealt with things while I was at UCM.  I loved life my last semester at UCM. I was happy and I found passion and purpose in everything I would do at UCM. I saw myself and my work heading towards a path that would result to great things. Now being away from that, I am struggling to see clearly here. 


I sit here listening to the wonderful Dave Matthews Band and the lyrics of "Oh" are stuck in my head.  "I love you, oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow," I once loved my life like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.  I was a simple individual that wanted to work and be happy. An individual that would find endless joy in feeling the rain on her skin. I remember standing in the football field at UCM and feeling the wind in my face. I remember finding joy in the simple and free things in life. When did I lose sight of these things?


As I sit hear listening to DMB, I am haunted with the thought that I have been doing this the wrong way right from the start. 


I have refused to see this as an investment. I am starting to find peace at the end of my days. I am clearly seeing purpose in my days and I am waiting for my passion to reappear.  I want to love my job just like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.  Maybe one day not far from now that can happen. I hate to think that I am the kind of person that is just working to have an income. I have always wanted to see myself in my work. I have been unfair to this place and this experience.  I will never have another UCM experience and that is okay and I must accept that as my reality. 


Now is the time to accept the closing of that beautiful chapter called grad school. It is time.