25 things about me...

Liz was my guardian at Central Missouri. She entered my life at a moment when I was heading to a very dark and lonely place. She helped me save myself.

One day during session she gave me a challenge. The "25-day challenge." This challenge consisted of having an individual share one experience or thing about themselves per day. The challenge lasted 25 days so there were 25 experiences/things. These things or experiences did not have to be personal, interesting, or even entertaining. The main objective was to learn to share myself with others. I was not thrilled about this challenge but I trusted Liz, she had never misled me before.

I decided that I would send a postcard every day for 25 days to two friends with one or two lines sharing a piece of me.

25 days and 25 experiences/things shared, here they are:

Day 1

25. If my life were a musical it would play Queen. I would start and end my days with "Under Pressure."

Day 2

24. I secretly always wanted to be part of the SNL cast.

Day 3

23. I refuse to believe the passing of my mentor, at times I desperately wished he would call me or write to me to guide me.

Day 4

22. Somewhere in between the social butterfly and grumpy witch, there is a girl, a very misunderstood individual that loves to love.

Day 5

21. I secretly want the husband and kids but at the same time I want to make an impact in the world. I am starting to believe I have to pick one.

Day 6

20. When I was 17, I saw my father slap my mother and in the moment I told myself: 1. that I no longer had a father and 2. that my mother was the bravest person I knew.

Day 7

19. I hate when people text the word "okay" or "ok" or "K". If that is all you have to say then do not text me!

Day 8

18. I swore that I would never work with college students. Oops!

Day 9

17. I never wanted to go to college. I was happy with giving in to the culture of poverty. My plans for after high school were to be a waitress.

Day 10

16. I did not learn to drive until I was 23.

Day 11

15. "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls was the first English song I learned; it was my favorite then and it still is now.

Day 12

14.  I love to color code my planner, mainly because it looks pretty.

Day 13

13. I do not fear dying. I fear realizing at my deathbed that I did not live life to the fullest.

Day 14

12. My logic and heart constantly battle when it comes to decision making. Logic has cost me many opportunities that I will never have again. Lately, my heart has been winning more battle and even though some of those victories have led to heartbreak, I have no regrets.

Day 15

11. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to see myself through eyes of others.

Day 16

10. I believe that there is no such thing as too much love. To love is to live! The best way for me to show love to those around me is by telling them that I appreciate them and that I love them.

Day 17

9. I wish I was an introvert; a little quiet, a little selfish, and a little normal.

Day 18

8. I am a revolutionary soul.

Day 19

7. I need to learn that everyone has different expectations than mine. I need to give everyone a chance.

Day 20

6. I do not hate my father. I just don't want him in my life.

Day 21

5. I refuse to adopt a sexual orientation label. When people ask me if I am straight, all I say is that I love to love.

Day 22

4. I know that there is certain things that I need to learn but I refuse to learn these lessons since I fear how they will change me.

Day 23

3. The day I let others read my journal will be the day that I am free.

Day 24

2. When I was younger, I thought I was adopted. No lie!

Day 25

1. I force myself to forget that whatever family I once had is now nonexistent.

The sunset by the bridge...

When I was 5 years old I broke the law. And although the details of the following story are still a bit fuzzy, one thing will always remain as my truth. On that day known to me as the day when I saw the most beautiful sunset, I learned to appreciate my mother and all her sacrifices.  


My mother is a saint. A beautiful caring individual that has always wanted the best for me.  I have asked my mother plenty of times how she manages to be such a great mother, sister, daughter, woman, grandmother, and friend and I never get an answer if anything all I get are smiles that say nothing but express limitless love and gratitude. I am convinced that she has gained a first class ticket into the heavens.  To be able to unconditionally love four of the most context individuals ever known to humankind has to earn a place in the heavens that only angels and saints get to experience. 


On the day where I saw my first sunset by the bridge, I learned why my mother believed in the American Dream. I learned that we were from a country that was not the United States. I learned that sometimes doing the right thing is not doing the right thing. I will admit that these are very complex lessons for a 5 year old but that day I saw clarity as the sun was setting to the west of the bridge that divided two nations. One nation that defines a dream and one nation that defines my roots. 


I have lately thought about that day and the sunset by the bridge.  I think about how I felt that day. The feelings of sadness, gratitude, and frustration took over me that day and at the same time I think of the warm sun and the beautiful colors that can fill the soul with happiness. That day the only thing that brought me happiness was the fact that I had a mother that will not let the American Dream escape her. 


I have yet to experience another sunset like that one and the reason why I hold on dearly to this memory is because in a weird way that memory aids me to see purpose in my days.  The sunset by the bridge brings me back to my reality, aspirations, and goals. The sunset by the bridge reminds me of the beautiful cruelties of this world. It loudly tells me that it is better to be busy changing the world then using my smiles to pretend that I am happy. 


The sunset by the bridge reminds me that my adventure is turning into an unknown journey.

My place in the table at a local coffee shop.

A few months back, I posted a facebook status that said, "One day not far from now, I will be in a local coffee shop with a bunch of my peers/friends talking about Chicano history. I will share the story of my family and feel empowered by the fact that everyone in the table has a piece of history to contribute to the world and all we have to do is listen and not forget." This is my dream.


I imagine myself being an educator with the heart of a revolutionary. I refuse to forget where I have been and where I come from. My place in the table at a local coffee shop will be a place that respect and appreciation has earned. My place in the table at the local coffee shop will be filled with passion, warmth, and beautiful things that only the colors of love and life can produce. I imagine this coffee shop being filled with the memories that people have had there and by the tiny pieces of souls left behind which can only be the result of the hundreds of stories that have been told in this establishment.


I do not know where this local coffee shop is and I do not know who will be around the table. All I do know is that when I get there, life will change as I know it.

The world has lost her way again...

This month is filled with many thoughts. Thoughts about work and the way I dealt with things while I was at UCM.  I loved life my last semester at UCM. I was happy and I found passion and purpose in everything I would do at UCM. I saw myself and my work heading towards a path that would result to great things. Now being away from that, I am struggling to see clearly here. 


I sit here listening to the wonderful Dave Matthews Band and the lyrics of "Oh" are stuck in my head.  "I love you, oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow," I once loved my life like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.  I was a simple individual that wanted to work and be happy. An individual that would find endless joy in feeling the rain on her skin. I remember standing in the football field at UCM and feeling the wind in my face. I remember finding joy in the simple and free things in life. When did I lose sight of these things?


As I sit hear listening to DMB, I am haunted with the thought that I have been doing this the wrong way right from the start. 


I have refused to see this as an investment. I am starting to find peace at the end of my days. I am clearly seeing purpose in my days and I am waiting for my passion to reappear.  I want to love my job just like a kid loves candy and fresh snow.  Maybe one day not far from now that can happen. I hate to think that I am the kind of person that is just working to have an income. I have always wanted to see myself in my work. I have been unfair to this place and this experience.  I will never have another UCM experience and that is okay and I must accept that as my reality. 


Now is the time to accept the closing of that beautiful chapter called grad school. It is time. 

The Cave

When I was in my history class in college I remember my professor talking about the concept of the cave. Once you leave the cave and explore you are eager to explore more and more. Soon you have no intentions to return to the cave.  I refused to understand this concept. I was one of those people that always believed that I will never forget to come back to the cave.  The cave holds my key to success and happiness. If I do not have plans to come back to the cave I have betrayed the cave.


The cave for me is best known as El Paso, Texas. El Paso is my beautiful bubble that kept me happy and safe for years. When I left the cave, I saw my world shattered and I experienced the cruelties of this world. There were many times when I wanted to run back to the cave, but I did not. I always thought that to come back would be worse than staying. For better or for worse that is what kept me going during those times of adversity.  


Recently, one of my dearest friends stated to me that he knew that I was never coming back to the cave. He said, "You are loving it too much to come back!" I did not have an answer for him. I have never thought about the option to not come back to the cave. I have always thought about the cave and how beautiful it is every time I go back and how it has evolved and changed without me there. There was also a comfort to knowing that I can also go back to my hometown but I have never explored the idea of not coming back to the cave and calling it home again. What does this mean? And how would this look like? 


I know what it would look like but I do not dare to share this vision since I am still figuring out if this makes me a sellout or a visionary trying to explore the world in search of peace and love. When I dare to think about this, I think of what my mentor told me before I left the Burg. I remember sharing some of my worries and fears about moving and having to start all over again and all he said was, "Even if you are the only one there or not, you will be a role model for some or a mentor for others and you can successfully do both." These kind words bring me some peace of mind as I realize that although I am still unsure of what I am doing in this journey, one thing is certain I am not done searching for what I am looking for. 


I did not leave the cave to escape it, I left the cave because everything I could do at the cave had been accomplished. 

Soulmates

I can forgive.  I have learned to let it go and at the end of the day I am just glad we are moving forward. I cannot say that I have forgotten of what almost destroyed us but I feel some comfort knowing that love and forgiveness are things that I let make decisions for me.  

It is good to have him in my life again and missing him and loving him.  He is my soul mate and he will always love me and I will always love him. Still, before you all mistakenly think I am talking about "the one", he and I will never be together and that is how I want things to be.  To think any other way would be outrageous.   I cannot remember the last time I forgave someone and I am ashamed to admit that.  

All it took was a call, I made the first move and called.  I missed him so much and I need someone that knew me better than I did myself to bring me some sort of relief during these times.  I put my pride aside and for second allowed myself to not think.  Maybe I should try this more often.  

Lesson 12: I must allow my heart win over my logic every now and then.  

Job One

It has been awhile...


So many things are going through me right now. To answer the question of how am I liking it here, can only be answered with this: I have my good days. Secretly though, I wished I had more good days than days of confusion and self-doubt. I do not see purpose on what I am doing here. I wanted to believe that this time around it would be different that the transition was going to be kinder to me. I want to say that the last transition did not teach me anything but that would be an awful lie. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that there will rewards at the end of this.


One of the things that disturbs the most is knowing that my staff, peers, and supervisor has yet to see the best of me. I know what the best of me can do, I know what it feels like, and I know what my best looks like. I know that I am learning still and that I must be patient but this is incredibly hard when I have just left a place where my best was about to reach its peak; then I had to pack up, say goodbye, and move across the country. Yes, it was my decision to move and start over and although, I wanted this I had no idea what I was getting into. 


In September, I was drained and burnt out. In the midst of ignoring the exhaustion, I had my first epiphany-breakdown. I was taken over by the lack of something and I did not know what that was. After letting things marinate and talking it out, I realized that all I wanted to do was to work and be happy. I was working, I am still working, but I am not happy. I am not miserable but I am not happy. I love seeing myself in my work but that is hard when I am so lost in what I am doing.  The truth is that maybe this was not for me. Maybe I should have stayed on my side of the tracks. I hate not having a voice. I hate not knowing my contribution to the team. I hate not doing my best. I want to learn and be confident but this right now is not happening.  Maybe those that warned me about this sudden move knew something I ignored. 


So today on this chilly night, I sit here exploring the opportunities out there. I  want to give  this time before making any sudden decisions. I am just trying to be patient and hope that I can look back to these moments sometime in the future and say to myself, I have learned so much and there was a purpose to those hard times.