It has been awhile...
So many things are going through me right now. To answer the question of how am I liking it here, can only be answered with this: I have my good days. Secretly though, I wished I had more good days than days of confusion and self-doubt. I do not see purpose on what I am doing here. I wanted to believe that this time around it would be different that the transition was going to be kinder to me. I want to say that the last transition did not teach me anything but that would be an awful lie. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that there will rewards at the end of this.
One of the things that disturbs the most is knowing that my staff, peers, and supervisor has yet to see the best of me. I know what the best of me can do, I know what it feels like, and I know what my best looks like. I know that I am learning still and that I must be patient but this is incredibly hard when I have just left a place where my best was about to reach its peak; then I had to pack up, say goodbye, and move across the country. Yes, it was my decision to move and start over and although, I wanted this I had no idea what I was getting into.
In September, I was drained and burnt out. In the midst of ignoring the exhaustion, I had my first epiphany-breakdown. I was taken over by the lack of something and I did not know what that was. After letting things marinate and talking it out, I realized that all I wanted to do was to work and be happy. I was working, I am still working, but I am not happy. I am not miserable but I am not happy. I love seeing myself in my work but that is hard when I am so lost in what I am doing. The truth is that maybe this was not for me. Maybe I should have stayed on my side of the tracks. I hate not having a voice. I hate not knowing my contribution to the team. I hate not doing my best. I want to learn and be confident but this right now is not happening. Maybe those that warned me about this sudden move knew something I ignored.
So today on this chilly night, I sit here exploring the opportunities out there. I want to give this time before making any sudden decisions. I am just trying to be patient and hope that I can look back to these moments sometime in the future and say to myself, I have learned so much and there was a purpose to those hard times.
