I wrote a blog in which I would fully disclosed why I left. I was going to share every single detail. The meeting where I was accused of being unprofessional and not an advocate for students. The confrontation when a director threatened me and my students saw it all. The meeting with a friend/colleague where he wanted to be understood but did not seek to understand me. I was going to share in bright details all the times I hear rumors fabricated by colleagues. How I had to quickly learn to utilize my resources and how I was advised to try to endure and seek for help within the department. Good advice that had the main objective to keep me away from reporting my experience to HR. I wrote a blog about it all. When I finished it I realized that it was oozing with poison. Why I left was not important. Why I wanted to stay was.
I arrived at Oregon State University in 2011 with hope and nervousness in my heart. I was ready to change the world and still unprepared to be changed. I had some amazing times at OSU. I made lifelong friendships, I found an amazing mentor, and I had the privilege to supervise some of the best student leaders. I had a purpose in my role at OSU. Of course there was adversity and every time adversity was at my door I had a support system. My last months at OSU were dark. There were errors made and I was present to pick up my responsibility but it seemed that I was the only present to do that. The students noticed and I wondered what I did wrong. I still wonder what I could have done better. I have identified some of the lessons and I am trying to figure out the rest. I know that there are many speculations of what truly happened and all I can tell you is that it was my time to go and still I wanted to stay.
I wanted to stay because I had a family there. A family that for better or worse had been decreasing in numbers due to the changes in leadership. In the rough times, we had each other's backs. Whether it was a late night dinner, pie shakes, or some good BBQ; I had a friend group that was with me in the hell. I had weekly lunches with an area of RDs that are compassionate and talented. My family at OSU had seen me grow. They cheered for me and in times of adversity we stood strong to be able to keep going. We were in it to win it.
I had a duty to care and guide the student leaders that believe in me and those that trusted me. I had a staff team that was loyal to me and to see them shine was the ultimate reward. One of my favorite memory was in staff training at the community service project. All I remember is a day of exhaustion and dancing to DMX's "Party Up." They inspired me to be the best. They had my "back-pack." I have a favorite memory that involves them all. When life was cruel to me, they would find ways to help me find strength to continue on. I wanted to stay to serve them.
I wanted to stay to be part of the change in a positive manner. At the end of the day, I was loyal to OSU but somewhere along the way I allowed this loyalty outweigh the loyalty to myself. I wanted to stay because of all the favorite memories that were shared in the Finley staff room. I wanted to stay because my team and the Fab 5 had my back everyday. I wanted to stay to see them graduate. I wanted to stay to prove the doubters wrong.
I loved my time there because of the students and colleagues that showed me empathy and love. I learned and grew so much in that place in the valley. I wanted to stay because I believed things would get better and they will...but I am not going to be part of it and I am not going to see it and that is okay.
My truth is that at the end I was being pushed out. My last weeks at OSU were filled with fear and I had zero trust in the leadership so I made the decision to leave before the harm destroyed me.
