#RAWarrior

When I was 8 years old I lost my grandmother to diabetes and other complications brought on by this horrible disease. At the time I did not know what diabetes was and the history in my family. All I knew was that this disease took my beloved grandmother. In 2009, diabetes took my maternal grandmother. Later it took an uncle and an aunt. Diabetes runs in my family. Thankfully, my mother and father have not been affected by this disease and even now they are diabetes-free. As I grew older and having become an aunt, I always thought to myself and somewhat hoped that I would be the one to be diagnosed with diabetes as long as my niece and nephews could live their lives diabetes-free. In my mind, I would rather carry all the pain for them. I want them to live a life fill with energy and freedom. I have witnessed how this disease sucks the life out of you and entraps you a little bit everyday. I, for the longest time, viewed myself as extremely lucky in my short life I have accomplished so much. So I always thought it was the least I can do. Carry the pain of those that I love so that they can live a more fulfilling life. Little did I know that I have always carried the pain. 

The notion of being superwoman has demolish in front of me. Last October, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. An autoimmune disease in which your immune system attacks your joints. Yes, my own immune system for some unknown reason is attacking my joints. I am lucky that I got such an early diagnosis. I began showing symptoms in July of 2013, very "subtle" symptoms. By February 2014, I unknowing was having flares every month. I would go to the doctor and try to explain verbally what pain I felt but I just couldn't properly communicate. There were times that I just point to my shoulders and say, "I hurt!" I was frustrated but I kept working and pretended to have a "normal life". I worked hard and at times I hid to people that I was in pain. I was good at it...in the beginning. By May, I was getting tired by 2 pm every day. It did not matter what I did, the exhaustion settle in hard! In August, some of my fingers were swollen and at times I could not grasp a pen or write. I did not tell people hoping that it would get better. My doctor blamed stress but I knew that something was not right. This was beyond stress. At one point, I had convinced myself that I had successfully broken myself. My motto of "work and be happy" had failed me. I worked and became ill. 

I began to go public with my health troubles; mainly because I couldn't hide it. This came with a mixed of reactions. Some friends (very close friends, in fact) would tell me that it was all in my head and that I needed to relax. This, of course, would hurt and infuriate me. A few friends would be very supportive. They would push me to demand answers from my doctor. One friend told me straight up that I needed to go to a Rheumatologist. At the time, I had no idea what that was and I was also afraid of a diagnosis. I was not ready as dumb as that sounds. I hated the pain but I was so scared of the diagnosis that carried the pain. By September, those around me were worried and I was defeated. I did not know what to do, I was lost. I felt and held on to so much pain. I would feel like a fool for taking so many things for granted. Like being able to walk, sit down, tie my shoes, hold a pen, write, and so on. I, at times, thought that pain was going to be my life. I remember talking to my best friend and telling her that I was going to just give up. I remember telling her, "this is it, my illness wins!" Her response was, "No, you are fighter. You don't give up." At the time, I did not believe her. I was ready to surrender. This same month I had to disclose to my staff what little I knew of my condition. I was not ready for that but I couldn't hide it. When I told them, I was showered with empathy and kindness. This rejuvenated me. One October 8th, I called in sick to work. I woke unable to move. I remember spending the whole morning crying and helpless. That day in the afternoon I receiving a text from an RA saying exactly what I needed. I felt loved. 

Later that October, I woke up one day not being able to move my left arm. I went to work for the day and the next day I went to immediate care. When I told all my symptoms to the RN, she immediately ordered blood work. She told me that it might Lupus, Lyme Disease, or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Whatever the case, I remember her looking at me and telling me that she would bring me closer to diagnosis. By mid-October, I was referred to a Rheumatologist. In my first appointment, the doctor looked at me listened to my symptoms and checked my mobility. At this point my hands were only at 60% of mobility. I remember breaking down in his office and just telling him that I want to be better. I did not want to be my old self, I just wanted to be able to walk and being able to sit down and not feel discomfort. Dr. Drew looked at me and told me that, he was going to do just that. He had to order more blood work to make sure that he would not misdiagnosed. By the end of October, he told me that I had RA. We discussed treatment options and he shared his concerns. I asked him if my RA would get worse. He smiled and told me that it wouldn't. He reassured me that things would get better. I got my marching orders and went on with my day.

Here we are 3 months later and I am not at 100% but my pain is manageable. I know that I have limits. Right now, I still feel that I am my condition. I am RA. I am hopeful that one day I will view my condition as a part of me not a definition of myself. I still worry that my treatment will need to change because eventually my body will become resist to the medication. I have yet to get comfortable disclosing my condition. I am sure that when folks see me drop an object or see me bump into an object they label me as clumsy. This is a reminder of the invisibility of RA (and most chronic illnesses) and for now I am in the search of being an activist in this world of RA. Thankfully, I have great allies that support me and check up on me. I send updates on FaceBook mainly to bring awareness and for myself since I know that one day I will an RA warrior; until then I am in repair.