An open letter to any women that has felt ugly or fat.

This is an open letter to any women that has felt ugly or fat.

365 days from today will be the day that I define and find my balance. I am 28 years old and I have felt happiness, sadness, madness, and all the emotions in between. I would not trade the pain for what I have learned in my 28 years. Especially, the lessons of the past 5 years. In the past 5 years, I have become an adult and a proud Chicana and still I have failed to be vulnerable in times that I needed vulnerability and in times that I needed to forgive and heal. I have failed to forgive myself and love myself when I made mistakes or made not-so wise decisions. I have failed to love every single part of me. And even as I write this, I have not learned to extract the word fail from my vocabulary and replace it with "not learned."

For the past 20 years, I have experience and seen the images of what beauty is and how beauty leads to success.  I have let those images determine my definition of beauty. I have allowed that definition tell me that I am not beautiful and that I need to change because I am not enough.  How can we change something that we hate? And how can that something be you?

As I travel down the road of memories and trying to think how I once did have a system to learn to love all of me and determine my own definition of beauty, I remember the times when I was busy and found a comfort and outlet in working out. I remember I did it to release stress and not to lose weight. I remember losing myself in my thoughts and finding clarity. I remember writing in my journal and finding clarity there too. I remember losing myself in my thoughts by listening to my iPod. All these activities were good for me all around. I, of course, engaged every now and then on emotional eating and happy hours that led to real talk with close friends. Even with those vices, I was closer to defining and finding balance. I was learning to love all the parts of me, even those parts of me that were flawed. I was empowered. I was learning what I now recognize as the search for greatness and not perfection. Perfection was a boring thought that I did not want to associate with. Still I had no words or way to explain what I was defining or searching for.

The truth is I lost myself, I stopped writing. I stopped listening. I stopped working out. I continue to emotionally eat and I actually welcomed back the worse vice of all, smoking. I got lost at the time when I had all the pieces to complete my definition of beauty and balance. I cannot say that I had no idea how it happened because that would be a lie. I allowed myself to get lost. I kept saying that I will eventually find my way back. This was in 2011 and hence it has been close to 3 years, I spent 2 plus years going through the motions and not feeling anything towards balance and beauty. I purposely wore the blindfold that made me an unhappy woman.

Yesterday, as I was on the elliptical I saw someone that I had not seen in almost 3 years. I smiled at that person and said, "welcome back!" Right there and then, I learned that to be able to move forward I need to love myself every day and this might not happened all day but it needs to happen and be FELT every day. As I continue to listen to my iPod and sweated during my workout, I allowed myself to get lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of how much I love my family and friends, of how many wonderful things I am doing in my job and all the other projects I have yet to start, and of thoughts that were consumed with happy moments that I helped create for myself. I was empowered and fearless.  I am unsure if I should name this an epiphany since all I did was take off a metaphorical blindfold that I put on.

For the first time in...forever, really, I can say "fuck what the media thinks of what beauty should be," and actually mean it and believe it. I cannot move forward or welcome change until I love every part of me. This includes loving all of it. Today I looked at myself in my mirror for 45 minutes after I took a shower. I did not shy away from looking at all of me. I am not going to lie it was hard at first but I kept telling myself that, "that I was searching for greatness," and slowing I saw beauty. I felt it and I know others saw it. For the first time since I cut my long hair in 1999, I fell in love with my hair. I walked taller. I did not think what outfit should I wear to hide me. I wore clothes as clothes not defining factors of beauty.

I have learned that to be able to move forward I have to take a rest stop and learn to love myself. I am seeking for change but before all that happens, I must first define and find balance and beauty within myself.